Welcome to another episode of “In Your Mind” with Dr Lash. Today, I am responding to an interesting letter from a dedicated reader. I hope you are able to learn from it. Enjoy!
“Dear Dr Lash,
Good morning. Let me stand by saying I enjoy your posts and I wish you could keep it up. I am a youth corp member presently serving in Abuja. Something has been on my mind for some time and I need an answer. Please, have all the good girls finished? I look around and all the girls around me only want to marry guys who have achieved. No one wants to even suffer with you. I feel many of them are just containers without content. Where have the good girls gone to – Space?
S from Abuja”
This was a very heartfelt question and I had to respond immediately. See my response below.
Thank you for writing. What you are asking today is not peculiar to you. An old friend still called me a few days ago and asked very similar questions. Men are frustrated! However, I need you to know that so are women. Women are also asking “where are the good men?” So really, I do not want you to think that it is only men who are in short supply of good women. Good men are also a scarce commodity these days.
S., have you heard about the Normal Distribution Curve, also called the Bell’s Curve? It is used commonly in the world of statistics but I want to use it to explain something to you now (you asked a doctor for advice, so you have to deal with the academic part).
Most people are in the middle of the Normal Distribution Curve and the farther you move to the extremes, the fewer people you find at those extremes. In this case, the average person is in the centre while those to the extreme left are terrible human beings and those to the extreme right are excellent and wonderful people. You may feel that the average person is a bad person and may want to choose a person to the extreme right who is better, but obviously, such people are not as common as those in the middle. Like most good things, they require effort to get. Those people closer to the extreme right of the curve are typically considered “a catch!”
One thing that makes it easy to find a wonderful person is being one of them yourself. Many times, people want the good in life but are not ready to be the good first. If deep down in your ideologies, mentality and character, you are not the kind of person you would like to marry, then that has to change. When that starts to change, your circle of friends and your crowd might begin to change. If you are not well behaved and you move with like minds, are you not reducing your chances of meeting a spectacular person? It would be safe to assume that if I were a doctorate student at Harvard, I would meet other Harvard students and if I live on campus, I might be so out of touch with the streets and begin to think that beggars no longer exist. This applies to many areas of life.
Let me also address a statement you made when you said “…and all the girls around me only want to marry guys who have achieved.” Well, many ladies are like this and rightly so. How can the first achievement you have in life be marriage? I tell women that if a man has never been successful at anything, he won’t be successful at marriage. You must have a track record of success before wanting to drag another man’s daughter into your life. If it is chairs you want to manufacture, go and learn how to make chairs and be good at it. Start making good furniture – that is some achievement. If you would love to be a teacher, go get a degree and start teaching. There are ladies who won’t look at the amount of money you have now but they will surely want to know if you are an achiever, a goal getter and not just a goal setter. Money is a beautiful thing but success is typically more attractive.
I am sure you did not expect me to write this much, so I will end here, but not without telling you that the good girls are actually in space, and in space, there is a central force which tries to pull the peripheral bodies to itself. Think about yourself as that type of central force and what you attract to yourself in your own space depends largely on you. Of course, matters of the heart are not as simple as ABC and there might be little exceptions to all I have said but they are largely true.”
What do you think of my advice to S? Are good girls and guys really hard to find? What is your advice to S?
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About The Author
“Tiwatayo Lasebikan (code name “Dr Lash”) is a medical doctor with training and experience in psychiatry, psychology and counselling. His goal is to help people lead emotionally and mentally healthier lives.
“In Your Mind” is where Dr Lash uses his experience to help people dealing with mental health and other emotional issues. Dr Lash has recognised that there’s a dearth of information on the importance of mental health and he shall use this medium to educate us about mental health issues and how our attitudes, behaviours and thinking affect our emotional well-being.
Dr Lash offers a range of online mental health and counselling services which include relationship counselling, self-esteem and confidence building, stress management, career and work-related counselling, critical events management amongst others. Dr Lash can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org or via twitter @LashSupport.”